The Thing No One Talks About When Women Lead in Public Service

4–5 min read · By Marie Carmel, MS.Ed., ACC, CPC, ELI-MP

I want to have a real conversation with you today. Not the polished version. Not the leadership development language that sounds inspiring but stays safely at the surface. The real one. 

After more than 30 years in complex public-sector systems — as a frontline professional, a manager, a director, a Borough Commissioner, and ultimately an Associate Commissioner in New York City government — I have seen something happen again and again to capable, committed women in public agencies and social service organizations. 

They give everything. And nobody asks how they are doing.

“The most capable women in public service are often the ones carrying the most — and asking for the least.”

What Nobody Names Out Loud 

There is a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from leading in people-centered systems where the work itself is heavy, the resources are always stretched, and the expectation is that you will hold it together regardless of what it costs you. 

It is the exhaustion of managing complex cases while managing a team while managing up while managing your own uncertainty about whether you are doing any of it well enough. 

It is the weight of being the person everyone comes to — and having nowhere to go yourself.

And it is compounded, for many women I have worked with, by the additional layer of navigating systems that were not always designed with them in mind. Systems where their leadership style is sometimes read as too soft or too strong depending on the day. Where they feel the unspoken pressure to work twice as hard to be seen as equally capable. Where the support structures available to their colleagues may not be as accessible to them. 

“Leadership should not cost you your health, your joy, or your sense of self. You can lead with strength and still be reflective. You can grow in responsibility without abandoning your values.”

The Cost of Leading Without Support 

I am not talking about the kind of support that means someone doing your work for you. I am talking about the kind of support that helps you think clearly when everything feels urgent. The kind that creates a space where you can name what is actually happening — not the version you present in your performance review, but the real version. 

Without that, something starts to happen quietly over time. You begin to accommodate. You begin to absorb. You push past your limits so consistently that you stop recognizing where your limits actually are. And you start to mistake running on empty for being strong. 

That is not strength. That is a system failing a leader who deserves better. 

What I Have Learned From Working With Women Who Lead Here 

Over the course of my coaching practice, the women I work with in public agencies and social service organizations are not lacking in capability. They are not lacking in commitment. They are not lacking in care for the people and communities they serve. 

What they are often lacking is a space that is entirely theirs. A space where the conversation is about them — their growth, their clarity, their voice, their well-being — not just the outcomes they are responsible for delivering. 

When they find that space, something shifts. Not overnight. But meaningfully. They begin to lead from a place of greater groundedness rather than constant reactivity. They begin to trust their own judgment more fully. They begin to set boundaries that protect not just their energy but the quality of their leadership. And they begin to see that taking care of themselves is not in conflict with the mission they are committed to. It is, in fact, essential to it.

“The leaders who sustain their impact over time are not the ones who give the most. They are the ones who learn how to lead from a place of clarity, intention, and genuine self-awareness.”

This Is What I Want You to Hear 

You are allowed to need support. You are allowed to not have it all figured out. You are allowed to be a deeply capable professional and still find this season of leadership hard. 

And you are allowed to invest in yourself — not as a reward for having earned it, not as a luxury for when things slow down, but right now, in the middle of it, because this is exactly when it matters most. 

That is not selfishness. That is wisdom.

If this resonated with you, I would love to connect. 

Marie Carmel, MS.Ed., ACC, CPC, ELI-MP is a Leadership and Executive Coach and Former Associate Commissioner with more than 30 years of experience in complex public-sector systems. She helps emerging women leaders in public agencies and social service organizations build confidence, find their voice, and lead with clarity.